All day I've been strong. I've not shed a single tear. I've not had a moment of weakness. I'm choosing to treat this day like I would any other day. Today is not special. Today is a Friday, and just like any other Friday, I am in my room trying to drown the never-ending thoughts of grief and remorse with junky television. So far, it's working.
On October 17th, my mother passed away. She was the one thing that held everything together, so little by little, things have been slowly crumbling since she's been gone. She got really sick. Her body just started decaying on her, as she developed something called Calciphylaxis. There's no cure, there's nothing doctors can do once this sets in and we had a choice: Let her go peacefully, or keep her and watch her decay before our eyes. we chose what we knew she would want, and we let her go.
That day, it was odd. I am one who believes in the supernatural, and what happened the morning she passed was something I have never experienced. About 20 minutes before she passed, the area surrounding her bed got abnormally cold. I kept getting gusts of cold air brush past me and goosebumps kept forming on my arms. Earlier the night before, when friends and family came by to say their goodbyes to her, my cousin Angela said that, when it was her time to go, only one person will be the one to come and get her. That person would be her father. My grandfather. As the room got colder, I remembered Angela's words and knew for a fact that she was right. People may think I'm crazy for this. And that's okay. A room, kept warm by hospital standard heaters, does not just get cold like that. As sad as I was, I took comfort in the thought that my mother was taken to the other side by her best friend: her dad.
My life has been a mixture of grief and hiding my true emotions since the day I said goodbye to her. I've become an expert at hiding my emotions; hiding my tears behind a fake smile or excuses of being tired. I started a job 2 days after my mother's death, and stayed as strong as I could. Even today, it hurts. I'm trying to keep it together, especially for my dad, but its hard to keep my emotions in check when this is the first holiday without her. Just last year, me and her were walking through Wal-Mart, leaving my dad behind in the electronic department while we went to get coffee or to browse the pet department. It's just weird to be here today without her. It hurts and I know its not going to get any better just yet.
This year has not been a great year. With a new one coming up very soon, all I wish for is for the pain to go away. As my sister plays with her cat, giggling as he attacks her face with sandpaper kisses, I'm trying to hold it together. Trying and slightly failing.
