Lessons Learned the Hard Way

I learned a lot this month, even though right now, it's only the 10th.

  I learned that you never really know people. You could be best friends with someone and have them turn on you, or a stranger could give you the best advice you could have ever asked for. People are not to be trusted, and I hate that I have to say that. My boyfriend and my sister are the only two that I trust with my whole heart because they are the only two who have never burned me. I found out that, after we have arguments, my "best friend," talks shit about me to mutual friends behind my back. In the past 4 years, I never thought that was possible, but apparently, it is. One argument = shit talking. I'm back in high school.

  I learned that once your use has run out, so has your worth. I know none of the girls read this so I will just blast this. No fucks given. I was part of an instagram group for body positivity. I was an admin and did pretty well until my mother was admitted to the hospital. I was accused of not giving my full attention and got right back in, apologized to the girls and was, supposedly, forgiven. However, as the months went on, I was increasingly ignored, and when I was having a especially bad few days (this past couple weeks), I was completely ignored by the group, even though I was there for everyone else. I left, mostly because of my state of mind, but the fact that I felt I had no support was another reason. All of the girls, with the exception of one, seemed happy I left. So I guess I too am happy.

  I learned that being an adult sucks. After spending every day without my parents here, I know what it's like to really be alone. And I hate it. I'm used to hearing my mom's TV paired with her Candy Crush game blasting from the living room. I'm used to hearing her singing her made up songs and my dad telling her to shut up because she's annoying him. The quiet is deafening and I hate it. I want to escape but I can't because even if I do leave for a few hours, I always come back to a quiet house. I always come back to seeing her favourite chair completely empty and my dad already asleep. And when I wake up in the morning, my dad is gone and me and my sister are alone again. The days are all the same and there's no escaping.

  I learned that some people are toxic and no good, but you can still miss them. After letting go of a friend 3 months ago, it's been harder and harder to not talk to her. With feeling so alone, having the companionship of her is appealing. I know I have my boyfriend, but because of the time difference, between the hours of 6pm and 4am, he's asleep and/or busy with his own stuff. My sister is still friends with this person, so it's even harder. A part of me wishes she would just drop her but I would never ask her to do that. It still hurts and I think it will for a long... Long time.

  This month has sucked. Well, this month so far. I just hope that the final 3 weeks is better than this because this... It's enough to make a girl go insane.