I keep thinking about this today, simply because of the reaction I got to a photo I posted on Instagram. I have been trying to accept myself for how I am for a while now. Body positivity towards others comes easy, but looking at myself in the mirror is something that is still hard to do because I don't feel like I'm at my best; health and appearance wise.
I have people behind me that are hoping I succeed and gain a healthier life through exercise, healthy eating and weight loss. On the other hand, there are people who are now calling me a hypocrite or a "fat hater," because I don't want to be obese my entire life. I'm no longer "body positive" because I am choosing to go against "fat acceptance," in order to lose half of the weight on my body. I'm sorry, excuse the fuck out of me.
I'm going to be blunt. I am 28 years old, 400lbs and completely unhappy. I have an awesome boyfriend who loves me, even though I am as big as I am, amazing friends and the best sister anyone can ask for. But I can not look in the mirror every day and see beauty. I can't look at myself and see someone who exudes health and confidence because, let's face it, I'm neither blind or fucking stupid. I've been large my entire life because I grew up with parents who, even though they loved me, didn't teach me proper eating habits from the start. There is a photo of me from when I was two years old and there's a huge plate of food in front of me, including two hot dogs. As I grew older, my parents, especially my mother, shoved the "you're healthy," lie into my head. How is it healthy to be twelve and 224lbs? Someone answer me that. I was bullied at school, I was bullied in my neighbourhood, so I built my wall. It was easier to be the quiet, fat girl in the class than to draw attention to myself. I loved to write, but never did out of fear of people finding it,reading it and showing it off to other people. I loved to sing, but didn't rejoin the choir after the fourth grade because the bullying was so bad, I did not want to stand in front of anyone and open my mouth. Art and music were my two passions and I left them behind in order to keep all attention off of myself, in hopes people would leave me alone. Is that healthy?
This whole "fat acceptance" thing is fine for some. I'm not judging, I'm not badgering, I'm not going to put it down because it's something that helps so many people overcome their struggles. But I am not part of the fat acceptance movement. How can I accept something that has torn me down for so long? On the other side of the coin, I'm not part of the "fat hate," movement. How can I hate something that made me the person I am today? I personally believe that being fat has made me mentally strong. My maturity level has always been higher than my peers because, being silent has made me observant. Being fat has made my intuition stronger, has made me able to read people and to see behind the masks that they wear every day. So, if I'm not "fat hating," and I'm not "fat accepting," what am I?
People, can we all just be? Do we have to have labels, titles, expectations and hatred? Can we just be human?
Hey lady! I completely agree with you! I totally love the body positive movement and support it 100%! I do struggle with the fat acceptance movement however. I don't care if someone is fat, that's no big deal at all! But I do see several women (on Instagram ESPECIALLY) who use the fat acceptance movement as a way to justify being heavy, and doing nothing about it. Some women are very happy being heavy, and that's totally cool, you do you. But don't use the fat acceptance movement as a way to seek approval. I don't know if my comment makes any sense, I guess I am partially bitter because I am currently on a huge weightloss journey, and losing weight is so hard, but its very rewarding. Not just in the physical sense, but also in the emotional sense. I can walk up a flight of stairs and not bat an eye, I can RUN on a treadmill now. I could have NEVER done that without feeling like death before haha so stay strong, just know you aren't alone, and reach out anytime with any questions/comments/just want some support whatever. I'm on a journey not just to lose weight, but to be healthy, and if you want to climb aboard, you don't have to do it alone! PS. You are absolutely gorgeous and do not need to lose weight to feel valid, however you said in this post that you were wanting to lost weight and get healthy, which is why I'm extending the hand of friendship :)
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